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Posts Tagged ‘moment’

So why after four years do I finally feel qualified to give advice?

Let me describe what just happened.

I’m drinking a martini, something I never would have learned to make if I was still married (my wife hated me drinking). A woman just left my apartment after driving 40 minutes to see me. We went for a walk next to a local river and sat on the concrete wayside for a while, making out a little bit, before going back to my place. We talked for a while on the couch – about the martinis, about my favorite vodkas, whatever – before getting back to making out and finally going to the bedroom.

She just left. I didn’t try to keep her too long. I’m not hung up on her.

She’s great, but I understand this may be the only time I ever sleep with her. In a way, that’s great because we had a good time and it would be fine if it stayed that way.

I don’t say this to brag, but just to demonstrate where I am compared to where I was four years ago, when I told the first woman I dated after my divorce that I couldn’t understand how people separate sex and love. It didn’t seem worth it then.

I was still in provider mode. I was still bonded with my wife, and I couldn’t see how it could change.

It took a long time, and fumblings with a lot of women to get comfortable with myself. It takes me a little while to get an erection, especially with a new woman – I own up to that and plan to write more about it – but I’ve become comfortable enough with myself, and with being with a new person, that it’s not a big deal anymore to lead them toward what I need, and to ask for what I want. Yeah, it takes me a little longer to get hard, but I last longer now, which is great.

I wasn’t particularly worried about her orgasm; but she said she left satisfied, so that’s great. (She came, and her pussy had three distinct flavors, something I’ve never experienced before.)

I used to obsess over my wife’s orgasms, and later women, worried they wouldn’t stay with me if I couldn’t get them off. Now I know it’s not that big a deal. How comfortable are you? Does she have fun?

After the first time we made love, we just lay in bed kissing and playing each other. It was great. When it was time for her to go, I jumped up and urged her out the door. No neediness, no expectations. There are many beautiful women in this world, and unsurprisingly, they want to sleep with me and you. There’s no need to obsess over it.

Last night I hung out with a really nice lady who wants to take it more slowly, although I did push toward sex. (I should demonstrate I’m attracted to her, at least.) It was our fourth real “date.” We watched a movie after she made me dinner. We made out on her couch. All signs seemed to point toward go but she ended up stopping it. That’s fine with me. I think she’s an interesting person and I enjoy hanging out with her. The sex will happen. It’s not even the most important aspect of all of it.

So what am I getting at? I feel pretty good.

You might feel awful right now, and I’m not jotting down my disorganized ideas to rub my happiness in your face. You’re going to feel awful. You may not understand everything that’s happening, why, what led to this. But you will, and life will get better. Trust me.

I’m going to finish my martini and head to bed. I’ve got work in the morning.

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